Lately I’ve been in the middle of one of my big “what does it all mean? Why am I doing this?” things. It’s a pretty safe bet that any time I take a long hiatus from blogging, that’s what I’m doing. I’m rethinking. I’m waxing philosophical. I’m searching for purpose. Trying to find meaning.
Really, I’m doubting.
Or, I’m actually really, really busy in my personal life, and I’m just not making time to observe or to write. But usually not making time is just an expression of the doubting. I have, once again, been doubting my ability to remain really honest in “public,” and questioning the reasons behind writing a blog. I’m still terrified of being judged (based on anything I care about, anyhow. I’ll shamelessly make an ass out of myself any day!). The whole original point of this blog was to subject myself to public humiliation as a way to strong-arm myself into getting my shit together. Clearly that’s not going to work if whenever I’m being “bad” I either:
- Misrepresent what’s happening by writing exclusively about the positive things I’m doing, or
- Don’t write anything at all.
I know that I’ve resolved before to just be honest about being bad, and that being bad really isn’t as bad as I think it is from my twisted perfectionist/control freak point of view (I know – you probably wouldn’t know that I’m a perfectionist of any sort unless you knew me REALLY well!). Then I have broken that resolution. The truth is that I have trouble taking my ego out of this. I have trouble failing over and over in front of anyone who might be reading. I have trouble trying to stop myself from believing that people will only be interested if I’m successful at what I set out to do. Even though I know, intellectually, that’s completely irrelevant because NOBODY CARES.
AND THEN, after I’m done beating myself up for being afraid of what people might think of what a screw up I am, I go ahead and beat myself up for attention-whoring via trying to convince others that I’m more wonderful than I am. *sigh* So many layers to the onion.
Anyhow, point being, please excuse my neurosis of the past few months. And, also in the future. Since I don’t plan on hiring a shrink or a guru any time soon, I will continue to demand patience as I work through my catalog of personal issues. Some of which I will publish, some of which I will keep to myself (for your sake and mine).
In the meantime, I will try to be honest about how much I still smoke (yes, it’s true! In an on-and-off sort of way), how much processed food I still eat (see above photo), how broke I am (VERY), etc. And, also, my thoughts and most recent justifications for all of the above! But mostly I will do whatever I need to do to just keep writing! = )