As I mentioned in my last post, after the failure of our last embryo transfer, we took a break from IVF and all associated meds for four months. During that time we went to a lot of concerts and did some other fun, summery things. The break went way too fast. I quit drinking alcohol in early July, started weekly acupuncture treatments (because why the fuck not try them? At least then everyone will shut up about it) and started meds again in late August. The third and final embryo transfer happened last week. This time I took the entire time off from work between the transfer and the pregnancy test, which is tomorrow. This entire fertility assistance process has been limbo. But today I feel like I am in the most liminal of spaces.
The time off from work has been nice, but I am used to being productive. Taking time off to literally do nothing but avoid stress has been a little weird. I keep wanting to do projects but then stalling out because so much in my life depends on the outcome of this transfer, this pregnancy test. For example, in my basement, which I am perpetually trying to organize, I have bins of my childhood stuff and bags of baby books and items that people have already given to me knowing that I am trying to have a baby. If I get rid of that stuff, I won’t need to buy new organizers, so best to just wait on the organization project. Same with meal planning: if I’m pregnant I plan to maintain animal protein, if I’m not pregnant I plan to move to a plant-based diet. Normally I would do a lot of yoga when I have free time. I have been sticking to walking for exercise until I know the outcome. I am too mentally distracted for most reading and podcasts. Each time I try I find that I have drifted off partway through reading or listening. It seems like every little thing that I would normally do with time off is impacted by “pregnant or not.” My only option has been to pass the time and try not to think too much about it. I have been mostly successful at doing that. I am feeling generally less anxious this time because I have already been through this process twice. I am still hoping for a joyful surprise, but I am prepared for either kind of news.
The results of the test tomorrow will completely change my life, one way or the other. This hinterland that I’ve been living in for the last two (but kind of 15) years has made me feel painfully stuck in so many areas of my life. The last eight days have been a densely compacted version of that feeling (blessedly without the stress of my constant dumpster fire of a job). By the end of the day tomorrow I may learn a devastating truth or a joyful one. Either way it is a new beginning.
chaos to clarity 